Beth
Kapke, a retired mime and graduate of several twelve-step programs,
is currently appearing in aisle three of the Noland Road Price Chopper,
dispensing samples of smoked Spam. A long time seeker of fame, Beth
was discovered by her idol and mentor, Mr. Cozad, who noticed a copy
of the Kapke Chronicles gracing the bottom of his bird cage. Recognizing
the author's immense talent, dubious work ethic, and extreme affordability,
he contacted her at the tastefully decorated double-wide she shares
with her husband, George, in the scenic Heart of America trailer camp.
When
not conducting the extensive research required for her insightful essays
and commentary, or washing Mr. Cozad's car, Mrs. Kapke enjoys making
prank phone calls, teasing postal workers, short sheeting beds, visiting
the humane society, playing solitaire Monopoly, and collecting dryer
lint, which she fashions into life-sized replicas of the Radio for Grownups
cast.
Beth
Kapke: writer, thinker, broadcaster, ex-convict, and constant
disappointment to those few members of her family that will admit to
knowing her.
